I write this from nowhere, doing nothing, with nobody

Is there proof I exist?

I don’t do a lot.

I never have stories to tell.

No fun facts to share.

Because I don’t do a lot. I don’t do anything at all.

I like to sit in my basement apartment. I like to write in my journal and sleep in my bed. I like to dive deep into my thoughts and feelings. I like to talk to myself as I make lunch. I like dancing in my room with gradient lights and noise-cancelling headphones. I like taking walks, staring at the sky more than the world in front of me. I get excited over new music and podcast episodes, I’ve felt adrenaline rushes finishing a good book. I like to have solo movie nights with the occasional bowl of popcorn as a treat.

I’ve spent weeks alone, doing nothing, going nowhere, without even realizing time has passed. Until I speak to someone and they ask, “What have you been up to?” and I don’t know how to answer.

In some ways, I can’t get myself to care. I like being from nowhere, doing nothing, with nobody. I like my lonely nights. I like my solo dates.

I only feel self-conscious when I start comparing myself to others. Sofie goes out to parties and bars every night. Jaiden’s on her fourth boyfriend this year. Elissa runs her own jewelry business. I start to think that maybe I should start going to parties, or dating, or I should start my own business. I start to think that I’m not enough. That I should make myself somebody. I should start doing something. I should go somewhere.

But would that make me happy? I’m a chaser of pleasure, you see. Hedonic motivation. Would putting myself somewhere, doing something, becoming somebody, make me happy? I don’t know. But I’m perfectly pleasant right where I am, so why bother? Everything you’ve read so far? That summarizes my existence.

1984 film (1984)

Now, before you unsubscribe because I am very possibly the most boring Substack author to grace this silly app, I do have some more to say.

To end with the sweet little twist I always love to conclude on, I unfortunately lied at the beginning of this article. I am from somewhere, doing something, with somebody.

I’m in my home, which I’ve decorated with little pieces of my heart. I have a kitchen appliance or utensil for every colour of the rainbow. I have mugs for every season. The fuzzy pink carpet in my living room has housed numerous board game nights with friends and movie nights with roommates. My bedroom is bursting with movie posters, ghost decor, flowers, nerdy merch, and gifts from people I love. My desk distracts me with my favourite books and adorable trinkets.

I’m doing things I love. I’m writing in my journal, archiving memories of my life for future me to reminisce on. I’m resting my body and soul. I’m typing out another draft for my Substack, I’m reading through my saved posts. I’m laughing and dancing and enjoying art that others have lovingly put into the world. I’m discovering new things to love every day, things to get excited about and share with others.

I’m with people I love. Long nights stood in my bedroom doorway, talking to my roommate about our families, our favourite shows, our plans for the week, until we lost track of time. I call my friends in my hometown every day to talk about nothing and everything. When you’ve known people for so long, it doesn’t matter what we’re saying; we’re laughing anyway. I’m lucky enough to have a family that doesn’t understand me, yet loves me unconditionally, and that’s something to be infinitely grateful for.

To say I’m nowhere, doing nothing, with nobody, because I can’t stop comparing myself to others, is a disservice to the little life I’ve built. The little life I love.

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COWABUNGA!!! Now that’s an entrance I can be proud of! I started writing this post when I was in a HEAVY comparison mood, then abandoned the draft for a little over a month. Here she is with a revitalized twist! Wrote in such a way that future me can feel a bit better when she gets in that yucky mood again. I think it’s important to write down what we’re thankful for, it can be so easy to forget what we have.

Thank you for reading my dear! Take care of youself and I love you lots <3