I Need To Nerd Out
To nobody's surprise, I'm a total fangirl.
…I miss the feeling of being so utterly consumed with love that I needed to get it out of my body. That I had to talk about it or write about it or scream about it or dance about it or let it pour out of me in some ridiculous, unhinged, overly detailed document. There was something so pure about that kind of passion. My brain couldn’t hold all the joy, so it spilled out in long paragraphs with no rhyme or reason, late-night messages to my friends, and half-finished fic ideas. It wasn’t polished or mature or cool. But I was free.
Somewhere along the way, I stopped giving myself permission to feel things that intensely.
I think that’s what hit me the hardest while reading through my old Google Docs. Documents with pages upon pages of all caps, overly excited, jibberish. Keyboard spam and long-winded plot descriptions. I wasn’t writing for anybody; I was writing because I needed to. Because sitting in my bedroom, alone with electric excitement in my veins, was too much to handle.
I miss that version of me more than I realized.
Because now, I feel a constant pressure. Pressure to be understood. To be normal. To not make other people uncomfortable with how excited I get. To have interests that are socially appropriate for your age group. And honestly? It’s exhausting. It chips away at your joy in these tiny, sneaky ways. You don’t notice it happening until one day you look at yourself and realize the loudest parts of you have gone quiet.
It’s the side-eyed glances with new acquaintances when we’re talking about our favourite shows. It’s confusion and disinterest whenever I talk about the book I just finished. It’s desperately trying to find ways to be relatable and normal, but not knowing how.
It chips away at my joy. At who I am.
I’m tired of hiding the things that make me genuinely happy. I’m tired of shrinking myself because someone gave me a weird look, or called me odd, or called me immature. I’m tired of pretending that I’m not still that girl who gets giddy when her favourite character appears on screen, or who pauses a video to squeal “OH MY GOD IT’S FINALLY HAPPENING,” or who will absolutely infodump for HOURS straight if you give her even the smallest opening.
I’m still her. She’s still me.
Passion is one of the last things that makes life feel magical.
Reading those old documents reminded me of the joy I used to feel before everything got complicated. Back then, my love for things was simple. It didn’t need to be productive or aesthetic or presentable. It just existed. It filled up my chest and spilled out of me whether I wanted it to or not.
And I think part of why I’m grieving my old self isn’t just the loss of my fangirl energy, it’s the loss of the environment that nurtured it. My friends back home celebrated my interests with me. We gave each other space to be obsessed, to rant, to gush, to spiral.
Some of my best memories revolve around sharing what I loved with friends. Skipping class to walk down the riverside, Rose listened to me rant about podcasts for hours. The rush of buying concert tickets with Mikey, screaming and singing together when the night finally arrived. Getting SO flustered over a romance visual novel, that Mia and I had to pace around my dorm, chewing on ice cubes to cool down. Staying up until sunrise with James, whisper-singing along to the soundtrack of Steven Universe while playing Minecraft.
After graduating and moving away for university, I feel like I’m constantly on the outside looking in. Holding back. Testing the room. Trying not to be too much. And it’s lonely. Not because people here are bad, they’re lovely, but I haven’t found the kind of people who light up when I light up.
Not yet, anyway. But that’s why I want next year to be different.
I want to let myself fall in love with things again. Properly. Loudly. Dramatically. I want to binge a series and then immediately search online for theories. I want to replay a game and take screenshots of moments that make my heart explode. I want to write messy notes about character arcs at 2 a.m. I want to pause a movie and yell about symbolism that no one else cares about.
I want to reconnect with the pure, unfiltered joy of being a fangirl.
The one I’ve always been.
Maybe that means pulling away from people who make me feel small about loving what I love. Maybe that means to stop procrastinating on re-watching Adventure Time and to just do it. Maybe that means posting long-winded essays on my favourite media that nobody needs to read.
And maybe, in the process, I’ll find new people who get it. Or the confidence to be myself even when people don’t. Or maybe I’ll just rediscover a part of myself I thought I’d outgrown.
It’s time to stop dimming myself. Time to stop apologizing for being passionate. Time to stop acting like growing up means growing quieter. Time to stop pretending I’m not the girl who makes PowerPoint about fantasy series lore at 1 a.m.
Because I am.
And I love her.
And I’m ready to feel her excitement again <3
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Thanks for reading until the end! The drop in people viewing my posts over the last couple months has sortaaa inspired me to write whatever I like. I’ve also been desperately trying to find joy in my life recently, so we’re using the tried-and-true method of being crazy and free. SO if I start posting weird nerdy shit in the next couple weeks, this is the predecessor to alll that. Maybe I’ll get around to posting the 3000-word draft on my favourite fantasy series. Maybe I’ll write book and movie reviews. Who knows!? Not me!
Anywho, thanks for sticking around! I love you sooo much! Stay safe and take care <3
I've had this one in my inbox for a WHILE because I wanted to give it the attention it deserves. Nerding out is SO IMPORTANT imo!! I was a huge fangirl in my teens for various anime and games and it's sad that now I'm a 'proper grown up' I'm expected to put all my energy into 'productive' things and reduce what goes into the media I enjoy.
I wrote SO much fanfiction in my teens (some of it I think is still on ao3 but most got deleted because I didn't know orphaning works was a thing) and I loved it!! I don't do as much fan content anymore but I've been thinking about maybe writing things about the media I consume, just maybe not in a fanfiction sense on my substack blog haha (thinking more about writing about the themes etc). Maybe a project for the new year..?
Also I LOVE ARIETTY!!!
As worthy a goal as any!
It's a scary thing to put out there, but when someone responds with the same energy... it's priceless!
That kind of vibe can be contagious to others holding back.
I know people here are largely anti-ai, but personally I find it fascinating debating favourite character interactions or viewpoints that never happened.
Admittedly doing that with other fans would be better, but it's a stop gap!